Missing

Things I'm missing right now.  T.  Snuggles. Hugs. Kisses.  Things I'm not going to talk about. Sunshine. Horse slobber.  Oh yeah, horses. A 24 year old cat of T's. My mom (who recently told me she was diagnosed with Diabetes *sigh*).  Shared tea in the morning. Knowing where I'll live in 6 months. Digging in the Dirt. Motivation. Willpower to eat healthy. Stability. My candy thermometer. Teasing my sister. Bellydance. Friends. 


Don't get me wrong, life is pretty good over all right now.  But that doesn't mean I'm not impatient to get on to the next part of my life. And, boy...  do some of those things I'm missing make life sparkle and shine.

Taking a deep breath.

I swore an oath in December that I wouldn't allow wedding planning to stress me out.  I almost let it beat me the last couple of days with the officiant thing, but I had an epiphany last night while talking to T on the phone.  The $150 to pay an officiant (not matter how ridiculous I think the amount of money is) is worth the reduction in stress and angst about the ceremony. $150 adds 10% to our budget, but reduces our stress more than that. And that's what I told T. And he paused.  And then he took a deep breath too.  And we agreed to sleep on it, but I think we'll end up hiring his friend to do it, and not have to stress about it.  Done.  Done and not stressing is good. I WILL keep this calm, and sane, and remember that it is a celebration, not a chore.

Speaking of stress, I put in another job application today.  To my old high school.  I really don't know it it's a good fit or not, but after talking to my former teacher (with whom I would get to work), I'm kind of excited about the possibilities.  For some reason, T gets stressed out about my current career.  I think he believes it rules my world, and has visions of us not ever getting to spend time together.  I don't know where this comes from. Yes, I sometimes work nights and/or weekends.  So do a lot of other people. And it's a good job, and good money, and summers off.  I hope that whatever bothers him about it resolves itself.  Perhaps it's just the distance. Perhaps he had a bad experience with someone else with this job.  I don't know. It will be an adventure, no matter what happens!

When did it become a business?

As T and I slowly work towards our upcoming wedding, and all the preparations that are related to that, I find myself outraged at the things that have become about the money. Specifically, wedding officiating.  Neither he or I have a specific clergy person we go to consistently, although he does have some friends who officiate weddings.  We started talking to one woman, and discovered that she wants $150 to officiate. Most other people want $200-250, and tell us "it's a business, you know". When did this become a business???

For hundreds of years, people simply committed themselves to each other, with out needing governmental approval or paying a person to say "do you " and "do you".  That is 10% of our budget for something a justice of the peace does for free.  Most of the clergy members I know charge also. I certainly understand that this takes time, but even if we write the ceremony ourselves, it's the same amount of money.  And lets face it, for the most part, it's less than an hour of actual work and they usually get a free meal.  Maybe 2 or 3 hours if they write the ceremony. That's a lot of money for not that much effort..  The government requires either a judge or clergy person of any sort to officiate.  We can impose on a friend or relative to go through the ordination process- available free online- and officiate for us, but we don't have many friends in common, and it's becoming increasingly frustrating. If we could do it ourselves, at this point I probably would.  Seems a little ridiculous.

Tired and he's horney... on the phone..

We talk every night, usually at least for an hour.  The hornier he is, the more he pushes sexual ideas and concepts.  Now, to be clear, I enjoy sex, and I'm not opposed to trying new things... and what he is talking about isn't exactly "on the edge" kind of stuff. I am ,however, the product of a conservative, modest, midwestern upbringing, and actually discussing any of this is hard to start with. Add on top of that a 12 hour day at work and being up past my bedtime, and he want's to discuss how I should enjoy a good swat on the ass because it means he's crazy about me and wants to jump my bones.... IN THE GROCERY STORE!  I'm NOT ok with this concept-  some things are not meant for public consumption, and whether or not I like a swat on the backside, it doesn't belong in public.  He's trying to nudge me towards releasing my inner sexy me.  I appreciate his efforts, but I actually had to stop him last night and ask him if he is ok with me staying me... because when he pushes the issue as he did a number of times last night, it has a narrow range or responses.  Either I take a deep breath and remind myself he thinks he is returning the favor for me making him a better man(which he did all by himself), or more likely I have a much more negative response, including anger, frustration, a desire to yell, and/or complete shutdown.   The thing is, I understand that he believes there is this wild sex goddess buried inside me, and he wants to help me find it.  It isn't going to happen over the phone, or be like a light switch turned on.   And I DIDN'T make him a better man (his words not mine). I didn't try to change him, he changed himself.  I don't think he quite understands that.  I'm positive he doesn't understand it at midnight when he's horny, I'm tired, and we're on the phone.

Learning to trust... maybe?

Ok... I know that digital media can be the bane of simple communication, but I'm seeing things that don't add up here...
From FB..

• Him:     Hmmm..that is an interesting post on your wall.......
• Me:       ????
• Him:      Please explain it to me..
• Me:       which one??Me         ???
• Him       the one you did not put there...
• Me        from (male friend)?
• Him       yes
• Me       (male friend) is a friend who lives out of state now... he has family in (nearby city), and was 
             going to stop by for dinner or something on the way if he has time since he isn't around much.
• Him      the question is, when are you coming this way?  I met (male friend).. 

              thanks for the background..
• Me- friday, as discussed...
• Him- just wanted to be sure you didn't get your days mixed up..

 At which point I called, because I was feeling like there was some suspicion and/or jealousy going on and I didn't know where it was coming from.. .  Now, I get that misinterpretation happens, and my friend had just posted something that tagged me, and mentioned a visit in a way that could be confusing date wise, but the conversation above STILL makes no sense to me.  When I called Him, he said that it was just because he thought my friend was expecting me on a day I was already supposed to be heading up to visit Him, but then why ask stupid leading questions about the wall post instead of just asking me if there was day confusion?  We've both got baggage, and we both have to be careful sometime about not letting that baggage overrule our rational minds- but that was the oddest conversation I've ever had with him that theoretically meant something else..

I'm not really sure this is blog worthy, but I needed to get it out without calling him about it... I'm sure we'll continue to talk about this over time...  but I still don't quite believe him that he was just confused about the dates, and if that wasn't honest,  I start getting untrusting really fast...   which isn't good since we just ordered wedding invitations yesterday...

New Adventures

You know the old saying that all little girls like horses?  Well- I was definitely one of those girls.  Every book ever written with a horse as a main character I read. Two (maybe three? I forget) summers at the now gone Bortell's Riding Ranch.  A mom who told me stories about the horse she had as a kid.  I loved horses.  But we lived in the city, and horses were something that country kids had.  I don't remember ever thinking that I could have a horse.  But wow were they beautiful.  Time passes. Did little bits of riding here and there, and in my early 20's discovered I had developed a pretty severe allergy to horses.  Not just the sniffley nose type-  the full out, my lungs close down and I can't breath" kind of allergy.  Interestingly, riding itself is fine because I'm above the dander, but brushing or petting a horse became dangerous to my health.  Not only that, but I choose a career that didn't leave me time enough for my dogs, a horse was an impossibility.  It isn't to say that I put away my dream, I just thought horses were something other people had.  And then I met T. Who has a wonderful 16 hand Andalusian/Thoroughbred mare. When I met her, I decided I wanted to do a little research to see if there were ways I could reduce the severity of the allergy, and during my research, I stumbled across Curlys.  A bit like hypo-allergenic cats, Curlys have a different protein (at least that is the current theory) in their coats that make them non-allergy triggering.  Over the last couple years, I've ridden T's horse a couple of times, and fallen back in love with horses in a bad bad way.  Knowing I'm going to be moving to Nebraska in May to be with him, knowing that I'll be leaving the career I've worked for 15 years to build up (for a lot of very good reasons), knowing that I'll be leaving a stable (if pathetic) paycheck and I may or may not have a job when I get there, it seemed like some patience was in order.  Not in any hurry- I made a decision to start looking at Curlys and when I found just the right one, hopefully I would be in a good place to buy/adopt it.  Much like going to the pound with a child "just to look", it didn't turn out quite as I had planned.  I found an amazing curly in fosterage with a Curly rescue organization that was being fostered only a couple hours away.  He had been there for over a year and they were starting to really publicize him because the foster farm needed to reduce their herd before winter due to poor hay production this year.  Not much is known about his history, but he appears to be well broke to ride, and a very sweet guy.  I'll admit, I didn't consider him at first, having the completely unrealistic and naive idea that training my own horse was a great way to learn to ride.  After doing a ton of research and reading a bunch of blogs, I realized that this was a really bad idea.  A much better idea would be to work with a horse that already has basic training, and with whom I can go riding with T.  I went back to browsing with a different eye, and this time, the curly I mentioned stuck in my head, and stuck hard.  I called T and said... "talk me out of this".... I'm not ready, I'm not in Nebraska, I haven't had time to save my pennies, and you would have to take care of him until I move up.  T took a long and hard look at the horse and told me that despite his initial thoughts, it almost looked like the horse was tailor made for me.  So we decided to go visit him, and see what happened.  The weekend of my birthday (mentioned in the last post, but it's been a while), we went to visit the horse and I fell in love.  You were waiting for that, right? I contacted the rescue and started making the appropriate arrangements.  We gave ourselves a month to get ready, and the foster people will be delivering him to Nebraska on Saturday. 

And I have no idea what I'm doing. 

T asked me a couple of weeks ago if I was ready or if I was scared.  At that point, I was still excited.  Now.  Terror.  I have a thousand pound (ish) horse showing up, and I have no idea how to care for him.  I've been reading everything under the sun, and learning as much as I can...  but a bit like the difference between babysitting and actually having a child, the differences are enormous.  I'm learning about hoof health and feeding techniques and sheath cleaning (ick) and assorted styles of training and horse behavior and body parts and....   wow.  I'm so thankful for T, with out whom I never would have even considered this... but I'm also terrified.  I know it will be ok... in fact wonderful...  but I really have no idea what I've gotten myself into.  I can't even decide on a name for the poor fellow!  This will be an amazing journey! 

Things I want to remember

Normally, when I have written an entry in this blog, it is because I need to talk/write something out that is stuck in my head or I'm wound up about.  This post is different.  I has been months since I last wrote, mostly because everything has been going amazingly well, and I haven't had anything to vent about.  The very abbreviated synerio is that at a good friend's wedding reception, T proposed to me in a very visible, public way... and I accepted.  We're getting married next June in my home town, and I will be moving there shortly before that.  That also means I'll be leaving the job I have agonized over, and probably the career that has been my life since I was a freshman in high school.  It's scary, but not what this post is about. This post is about my Birthday last week.  Because I want to remember it forever, and it was an amazing page in the complete turnaround of my life.

I turned 36 last Thursday.  It wasn't a particularly significant age, and I rarely notice my birthday in general, except the students I work with love to make a big deal out of it.  I had gone to visit T the weekend before, and had a great time, and was looking forward to seeing him again the next weekend as we had made plans to be silly and go to the Ren Faire.  I went to lunch with a good friend (Sushi- YUM!) and at lunch, she announced we would be getting together that evening.  Ok.  Why not. :)  So after work, we went out for ice cream.  Actually, frozen custard which is so delicious and so rich and so bad for you.  As we were pulling back into my street, we passed a blue pickup with T's state's plates on them, and my heart lurched just a little because it couldn't possibly be his.  Then we parked and I opened the car door and T stepped out behind the tree and gave me an enormous hug and said Happy Birthday and I just about Cried.  Apparently he had been planning this for MONTHS and everyone already knew except me.  It was an awesome end to an otherwise unremarkable day... and it started one of the most amazing weekends ever.  Friday was a regular work day, but after work we headed out of town because we were staying with friends for the weekend and hitting the ren-faire.  We didn't have plans on Saturday until about Thursday, when I found out I was approved to go visit a rescue horse only a couple hours from my friend's house... so Sat we hopped in the car, drove a couple of hours and met the horse of my dreams.  Not only is he a Curly- which doesn't trigger my really bad allergies, but he's fully trained, 11, and amazing. We probably spent 3 hours at the farm hanging out with him, other horses, and the man of the farm... leaving with a firm conviction that the horse would get to come home with me and I was in love again!  :) We sent in the final "we want him" email that evening.  Luckily, T is ok with me having another man in my life *grin*. Sunday we were lazy bums in the morning, hit the ren-faire in the afternoon, and headed home.  It was an amazing weekend, and I was on cloud nine!  T is amazing and spoils me rotten... in fact, I almost wish he would spoil me less rotten, because he does so many amazing things that they get missed sometime behind the other amazing things he does!  <3