Took advantage of spring break this past weekend and went back home... partially to visit/surprise Mom and sister, but mostly to spend time with a friend. Specifically, a guy friend. More specifically... well... not exactly sure at the moment, but not feeling inclined to push it into being defined. I like him a lot, find myself drawn towards him a lot... trying to keep it real- there are some serious things in the way... namely that we both come with some substantial baggage, and neither of us is terribly flexible job wise, although we're both more or less job hunting. Even so, we've been talking a lot the last couple weeks... and I do feel a strong connection with him. Oh yeah, and I slept with him.... yep, slept. And... didn't sleep. At one point in my life, I would have been scandalized and really confused now. I have realized that my perspectives have changed. Somewhat. I no longer am scandalized by what two consenting adults choose to share. So... I have loosened my perspective, but I haven't yet figured out what my boundaries are... although I do hold rather firmly to the idea that if you are in a committed relationship, that means (for me at least) that you're not intimate with someone else. Open relationships do NOT do it for me. In addition, while being intimate (sex or otherwise) may not mean anything relationship wise, it does change how I look at a person. It is a closeness, trust, and sharing that can't (or shouldn't) be denied.... and it does change how I perceive a person.
Which brings me to my topic of today's post. Sex. Yep. Sex. So... now, looking at the screen, realizing I'm actually going to write about sex makes it even more intimidating. I like sex. Wow, can't just believe I said that out loud. Did any one hear me? Shhh.... we don't talk about sex. Its private. Which is why, I imagine, I have some major hangups talking about it. Which, in turn, is why I have problems talking about it with a partner. T asked me some very specific question about what I like, and what I had experienced, and if I wanted to be on top at any point, and it was incredibly difficult for me to answer them. Don't get me wrong... I typically HAVE an answer, I just have a really hard time sharing it. Its hard for me to say things outloud. I worry about whether or not it is a "right" answer. I feel self conscious. (Disclaimer... he was amazing about coaxing me out of my comfort zone... which I've never had anyone do before....it was.... Good.)
So.... item #1. The self consiousness. I've always preferred to be in the background. Many of my hobbies I have taken up both because I truly enjoy them, and because they will allow me to be very focused on what I'm doing, and because they are interesting enough to draw people into me... I'm much MUCH less shy than I used to be, but my fallback is still a bit shy and definitely modest, and I have a hard time being the focus of someone's attention. Whether or not I believe people find me attractive (and on good days I believe them), I still have a hard time being looked at nude or during intimacy... Its not logical, and when I'm in certain moods it isn't an issue, but most of the time I'm pretty self conscious. Sometimes I try to break out of it, but its hard for me to do. This weekend, T was very encouraging and supportive... which helps a lot. Trust is a powerful thing, and I trust him a lot.... but that doesn't make the issue immediately go away.
Item #2... Confidence. So.... I guess or I've been told that I come across as a confident with it person most of the time.... and most of the time I would say that is true, although I do sometimes have to put on the "confident" face. The people who see the uncertain me are the ones I trust and the ones I know will understand it and honor it. I am not confident about my sexuality. I've had some very passionate, creative sex. It was fun. It was easy when I let my partner lead. Then I know what to do. I've had some assertive partners, which works really well for me. But it really isn't fair, and I always end up feeling like I should do more. And, in reality, I'm sure the guys would end up enjoying it more too. And they usually ask me to take charge at some point. And I hesitate. Being on top is a perfect example of that. Because of the self consciousness, I've always been a little nervous to be in that position. Its very exposed, and very visual for him... but the last time I tried it, I froze. I wasn't comfortable, I wasn't sure what to do, and I wasn't sure what would feel good to him. And I let the nervousness and insecurity get to me. And rather than dealing with it then, he rolled me over and we did something else. But... it isn't the something else I remember, its the failure. T helped with that this weekend, but its still a hard thing for me to do.
Item #3. Re-Discovery. Sex with my ex basically stopped before we got married. For a whole variety of reasons. He was an ok lover, but it was exactly the same every time, and it just stopped after a little while. For that same variety of reasons, we stopped cuddling and pretty much every other expression of intimacy. That's not to say that I didn't want to be intimate... but it didn't happen. So I kind of shut it off. Or did it myself, often with him asleep right next to me. I'm ashamed of that part... guilty. Why didn't I wake him up? Too many reasons to explain. Anyway, I also just sort of shut it down.... Doing myself scratched the itch but didn't satisfy me... never will... it isn't enough for me. And I didn't think of myself as a sexual creature. Longed for it, but wasn't willing or able to connect with him. Then we got divorced, and I had a short stupid ridiculous wildly passionate affair with a married man. Not one of my wisest choices, but as I mentioned in earlier post, I needed something, and he needed something, and we helped each other. I'm not going to get into the complicated emotions tied to that, but it did wake me up. And while I didn't orgasm with him, I was so turned on it didn't matter. And I craved that. I needed more. I was desperate for that passion and that connectedness. Not surprisingly, the affair didn't last long, and I found myself craving that passion, that connectedness, that energy. Awake, but alone.
Item #4... Rediscovery #2. This one is hard. And specific. My first partner was passionate and enthusiastic... and perhaps didn't truly understand how sheltered I had been. I wasn't ready for some of the things he asked me to do... like oral sex on him... and much like the girl on top I mentioned earlier, it only takes one experience not going well to make it really really hard to ever be willing to try it again. A huge part of it at the time was the smell and the texture. Is that weird? I've always though so, but smell and texture are huge influences on me, and I wasn't ready for either the smell/texture of oral sex, or the porn image he showed me (which I have never been able to let go of). For the record, the smell doesn't bother me any more, but I've never been comfortable trying oral sex with anyone else because... well... I guess that goes back to the confidence thing again. My ex was pretty vanilla in bed, not terrible, but not exciting either... or perhaps that's just what we became. When I rediscovered sex, I also rediscovered there were some things I liked, or rather that really really turned me on that logically make me nervous. The idea of being restrained and/or submissive can be a huge turn on for me. Not always... but often. Someone at a party pulled my hair once in just the right way (and knew exactly what he was doing) and it just about collapsed me in a puddle on the floor. The idea of those things turning me on is weird (yes, I know its pretty common... logic isn't always logical), but wow. I remember before I was ready for sex (ok, really, it was sex, just not actually intercourse....) spending a LOT of time making out with someone who tied my hands and tormented with me with both a feather and hot wax until I was ready to absolutely explode. Just thinking about those things makes my nether regions quiver... but I've never had that experience since... I think that I like sex enough that I tend to not be willing to wait.... but I remember those sensations. Wow. And yet... The conservative, modest, naive girl in me quails at enjoying sex, and enjoying forceful, creative, enthusiastic sex. Most of the time I tell that girl that she's being ridiculous, but she still sometimes does hold me back from being able to easily have the conversations I should have with my partners.... as does the lack of a partner who I know well enough and trust enough to be vulnerable with. My ex, interestingly, was not in that category.
So.... as usual, no answers in my rambling. But often, the ramblings help me understand myself better...and maybe, someday, I will have the answers...
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