Before I went home to visit, I went to DC to visit a good friend of mine. She's alternative been big sister, aunt, spiritual advisor, counselor, BFF. I've sometimes gone years without talking to her, but then we get back together, we pick back up- not where we left off- but where we are at that moment...no excuses, no worries, no stress. For better or worse, I tend to talk to her most often when I need guidance. Which was part of the reason this time for the trip. Remember the blog about religion? Its continued to weigh on my mind. I realized after Ostara that I really had turned over a new leaf. Nothing really had changed, but for some reason it wasn't wearing on me any more. What does that mean? What am I? What are my beliefs now? I... find myself reluctant to talk about Ostara for some reason. It was a turning point, but even to the two people I'm closest to and have talked about this with, I find myself not willing to share it. The nutshell is that I asked the universe for peace, happiness, and balance. It wasn't elaborate, I didn't really expect anything to happen that I noticed... it was quiet and earthy and private. I guess it needs to stay that way. But something changed...
So.... what changed? I don't know. The BFF has been pagan for a long time... more properly, she is a spiritualist with pagan tendancies, but she is also a Reiki master, and one of the wisest and most balanced people I know. Plus, I know I can say absolutely anything to her, and she won't laugh and she won't criticize... and sometimes (this visit included), she may send me away with specific things to focus on or think about. Yep, I have homework... but that's another topic. We talked about the fact that I have trouble with the concept of paganism. To begin with, I have problems with the words. "Witch", "Coven", "Magic".... these all have connotations to the general population that feel uncomfortable to me. They're really symbols, like anything else, but its hard to get past 35 years of one way of looking at those symbols and seeing them another way. The BFF suggested that instead of "magic" or "ritual", that I think of it really more as prayer... because in the grand scheme of things, its the same thing. She also uses "universe" instead of a specific deity... which also feels more right to me. I talked about the fact that I felt selfish asking the universe for something.... and then she asked me why. I realized its because I don't really think of myself as something the universe would notice... I'm just one person, of no particular significance in the whole world of billions of people. Why would the universe notice me? To be honest, I don't remember the words she used... but somehow I have a different perspective now. We talked about energy. This one I really struggle with. Both she and T talk about energy in ways that make me think that once I accept that its there, and all around us, that I should at least be able to tell that its there.... maybe I'm not aware enough, but I don't feel it, don't sense it... perhaps I'm not ready to. Perhaps its just not something I'm supposed to sense... but I do feel like there is something I'm missing... but I can't quite put my finger on what. It does help that T mentioned that sometimes things happen to him that take him by surprise.... of course, he somehow know when BFF and I had the most intense of these conversations... from a 1000 miles away. I'm still not sure what I'm doing, or what path I'm walking, but I have homework from BFF, self education to do, and love and support from two very very special people.... And I'm working on acceptance... I think that needs to come before understanding. I don't quite know why, but acceptance needs to come before understanding. I just have this feeling that once acceptance is there, the understanding will come. So mote it be. (don't know why I just wrote that, but it insisted on it.). right. Acceptance.
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