Hoofprints, Sawdust and Puppydog Kisses

Missing

2012-01-30T17:04:00.000-08:00

Things I'm missing right now. T. Snuggles. Hugs. Kisses. Things I'm not going to talk about. Sunshine. Horse slobber. Oh yeah, horses. A 24 year old cat of T's. My mom (who recently told me she was diagnosed with Diabetes *sigh*). Shared tea in the morning. Knowing where I'll live in 6 months. Digging in the Dirt. Motivation. Willpower to eat healthy. Stability. My candy thermometer. Teasing my sister. Bellydance. Friends.

Don't get me wrong, life is pretty good over all right now. But that doesn't mean I'm not impatient to get on to the next part of my life. And, boy... do some of those things I'm missing make life sparkle and shine.

Taking a deep breath.

2012-01-30T16:43:00.000-08:00

I swore an oath in December that I wouldn't allow wedding planning to stress me out. I almost let it beat me the last couple of days with the officiant thing, but I had an epiphany last night while talking to T on the phone. The $150 to pay an officiant (not matter how ridiculous I think the amount of money is) is worth the reduction in stress and angst about the ceremony. $150 adds 10% to our budget, but reduces our stress more than that. And that's what I told T. And he paused. And then he took a deep breath too. And we agreed to sleep on it, but I think we'll end up hiring his friend to do it, and not have to stress about it. Done. Done and not stressing is good. I WILL keep this calm, and sane, and remember that it is a celebration, not a chore.

Speaking of stress, I put in another job application today. To my old high school. I really don't know it it's a good fit or not, but after talking to my former teacher (with whom I would get to work), I'm kind of excited about the possibilities. For some reason, T gets stressed out about my current career. I think he believes it rules my world, and has visions of us not ever getting to spend time together. I don't know where this comes from. Yes, I sometimes work nights and/or weekends. So do a lot of other people. And it's a good job, and good money, and summers off. I hope that whatever bothers him about it resolves itself. Perhaps it's just the distance. Perhaps he had a bad experience with someone else with this job. I don't know. It will be an adventure, no matter what happens!

When did it become a business?

2012-01-29T16:29:00.000-08:00

As T and I slowly work towards our upcoming wedding, and all the preparations that are related to that, I find myself outraged at the things that have become about the money. Specifically, wedding officiating. Neither he or I have a specific clergy person we go to consistently, although he does have some friends who officiate weddings. We started talking to one woman, and discovered that she wants $150 to officiate. Most other people want $200-250, and tell us "it's a business, you know". When did this become a business???

For hundreds of years, people simply committed themselves to each other, with out needing governmental approval or paying a person to say "do you " and "do you". That is 10% of our budget for something a justice of the peace does for free. Most of the clergy members I know charge also. I certainly understand that this takes time, but even if we write the ceremony ourselves, it's the same amount of money. And lets face it, for the most part, it's less than an hour of actual work and they usually get a free meal. Maybe 2 or 3 hours if they write the ceremony. That's a lot of money for not that much effort.. The government requires either a judge or clergy person of any sort to officiate. We can impose on a friend or relative to go through the ordination process- available free online- and officiate for us, but we don't have many friends in common, and it's becoming increasingly frustrating. If we could do it ourselves, at this point I probably would. Seems a little ridiculous.

Tired and he's horney... on the phone..

2012-01-18T06:07:00.000-08:00

We talk every night, usually at least for an hour. The hornier he is, the more he pushes sexual ideas and concepts. Now, to be clear, I enjoy sex, and I'm not opposed to trying new things... and what he is talking about isn't exactly "on the edge" kind of stuff. I am ,however, the product of a conservative, modest, midwestern upbringing, and actually discussing any of this is hard to start with. Add on top of that a 12 hour day at work and being up past my bedtime, and he want's to discuss how I should enjoy a good swat on the ass because it means he's crazy about me and wants to jump my bones.... IN THE GROCERY STORE! I'm NOT ok with this concept- some things are not meant for public consumption, and whether or not I like a swat on the backside, it doesn't belong in public. He's trying to nudge me towards releasing my inner sexy me. I appreciate his efforts, but I actually had to stop him last night and ask him if he is ok with me staying me... because when he pushes the issue as he did a number of times last night, it has a narrow range or responses. Either I take a deep breath and remind myself he thinks he is returning the favor for me making him a better man(which he did all by himself), or more likely I have a much more negative response, including anger, frustration, a desire to yell, and/or complete shutdown. The thing is, I understand that he believes there is this wild sex goddess buried inside me, and he wants to help me find it. It isn't going to happen over the phone, or be like a light switch turned on. And I DIDN'T make him a better man (his words not mine). I didn't try to change him, he changed himself. I don't think he quite understands that. I'm positive he doesn't understand it at midnight when he's horny, I'm tired, and we're on the phone.

Learning to trust... maybe?

2011-12-13T13:27:00.000-08:00

Ok... I know that digital media can be the bane of simple communication, but I'm seeing things that don't add up here...
From FB..

Him: Hmmm..that is an interesting post on your wall.......
Me: ????
Him: Please explain it to me..
Me: which one??Me ???
Him the one you did not put there...
Me from (male friend)?
Him yes
Me (male friend) is a friend who lives out of state now... he has family in (nearby city), and was
going to stop by for dinner or something on the way if he has time since he isn't around much.
Him the question is, when are you coming this way? I met (male friend)..
thanks for the background..
Me- friday, as discussed...
Him- just wanted to be sure you didn't get your days mixed up..

At which point I called, because I was feeling like there was some suspicion and/or jealousy going on and I didn't know where it was coming from.. . Now, I get that misinterpretation happens, and my friend had just posted something that tagged me, and mentioned a visit in a way that could be confusing date wise, but the conversation above STILL makes no sense to me. When I called Him, he said that it was just because he thought my friend was expecting me on a day I was already supposed to be heading up to visit Him, but then why ask stupid leading questions about the wall post instead of just asking me if there was day confusion? We've both got baggage, and we both have to be careful sometime about not letting that baggage overrule our rational minds- but that was the oddest conversation I've ever had with him that theoretically meant something else..

I'm not really sure this is blog worthy, but I needed to get it out without calling him about it... I'm sure we'll continue to talk about this over time... but I still don't quite believe him that he was just confused about the dates, and if that wasn't honest, I start getting untrusting really fast... which isn't good since we just ordered wedding invitations yesterday...

New Adventures

2011-10-11T19:24:00.000-07:00

You know the old saying that all little girls like horses? Well- I was definitely one of those girls. Every book ever written with a horse as a main character I read. Two (maybe three? I forget) summers at the now gone Bortell's Riding Ranch. A mom who told me stories about the horse she had as a kid. I loved horses. But we lived in the city, and horses were something that country kids had. I don't remember ever thinking that I could have a horse. But wow were they beautiful. Time passes. Did little bits of riding here and there, and in my early 20's discovered I had developed a pretty severe allergy to horses. Not just the sniffley nose type- the full out, my lungs close down and I can't breath" kind of allergy. Interestingly, riding itself is fine because I'm above the dander, but brushing or petting a horse became dangerous to my health. Not only that, but I choose a career that didn't leave me time enough for my dogs, a horse was an impossibility. It isn't to say that I put away my dream, I just thought horses were something other people had. And then I met T. Who has a wonderful 16 hand Andalusian/Thoroughbred mare. When I met her, I decided I wanted to do a little research to see if there were ways I could reduce the severity of the allergy, and during my research, I stumbled across Curlys. A bit like hypo-allergenic cats, Curlys have a different protein (at least that is the current theory) in their coats that make them non-allergy triggering. Over the last couple years, I've ridden T's horse a couple of times, and fallen back in love with horses in a bad bad way. Knowing I'm going to be moving to Nebraska in May to be with him, knowing that I'll be leaving the career I've worked for 15 years to build up (for a lot of very good reasons), knowing that I'll be leaving a stable (if pathetic) paycheck and I may or may not have a job when I get there, it seemed like some patience was in order. Not in any hurry- I made a decision to start looking at Curlys and when I found just the right one, hopefully I would be in a good place to buy/adopt it. Much like going to the pound with a child "just to look", it didn't turn out quite as I had planned. I found an amazing curly in fosterage with a Curly rescue organization that was being fostered only a couple hours away. He had been there for over a year and they were starting to really publicize him because the foster farm needed to reduce their herd before winter due to poor hay production this year. Not much is known about his history, but he appears to be well broke to ride, and a very sweet guy. I'll admit, I didn't consider him at first, having the completely unrealistic and naive idea that training my own horse was a great way to learn to ride. After doing a ton of research and reading a bunch of blogs, I realized that this was a really bad idea. A much better idea would be to work with a horse that already has basic training, and with whom I can go riding with T. I went back to browsing with a different eye, and this time, the curly I mentioned stuck in my head, and stuck hard. I called T and said... "talk me out of this".... I'm not ready, I'm not in Nebraska, I haven't had time to save my pennies, and you would have to take care of him until I move up. T took a long and hard look at the horse and told me that despite his initial thoughts, it almost looked like the horse was tailor made for me. So we decided to go visit him, and see what happened. The weekend of my birthday (mentioned in the last post, but it's been a while), we went to visit the horse and I fell in love. You were waiting for that, right? I contacted the rescue and started making the appropriate arrangements. We gave ourselves a month to get ready, and the foster people will be delivering him to Nebraska on Saturday.

And I have no idea what I'm doing.

T asked me a couple of weeks ago if I was ready or if I was scared. At that point, I was still excited. Now. Terror. I have a thousand pound (ish) horse showing up, and I have no idea how to care for him. I've been reading everything under the sun, and learning as much as I can... but a bit like the difference between babysitting and actually having a child, the differences are enormous. I'm learning about hoof health and feeding techniques and sheath cleaning (ick) and assorted styles of training and horse behavior and body parts and.... wow. I'm so thankful for T, with out whom I never would have even considered this... but I'm also terrified. I know it will be ok... in fact wonderful... but I really have no idea what I've gotten myself into. I can't even decide on a name for the poor fellow! This will be an amazing journey!

Things I want to remember

2011-09-23T10:35:00.000-07:00

Normally, when I have written an entry in this blog, it is because I need to talk/write something out that is stuck in my head or I'm wound up about. This post is different. I has been months since I last wrote, mostly because everything has been going amazingly well, and I haven't had anything to vent about. The very abbreviated synerio is that at a good friend's wedding reception, T proposed to me in a very visible, public way... and I accepted. We're getting married next June in my home town, and I will be moving there shortly before that. That also means I'll be leaving the job I have agonized over, and probably the career that has been my life since I was a freshman in high school. It's scary, but not what this post is about. This post is about my Birthday last week. Because I want to remember it forever, and it was an amazing page in the complete turnaround of my life.

I turned 36 last Thursday. It wasn't a particularly significant age, and I rarely notice my birthday in general, except the students I work with love to make a big deal out of it. I had gone to visit T the weekend before, and had a great time, and was looking forward to seeing him again the next weekend as we had made plans to be silly and go to the Ren Faire. I went to lunch with a good friend (Sushi- YUM!) and at lunch, she announced we would be getting together that evening. Ok. Why not. :) So after work, we went out for ice cream. Actually, frozen custard which is so delicious and so rich and so bad for you. As we were pulling back into my street, we passed a blue pickup with T's state's plates on them, and my heart lurched just a little because it couldn't possibly be his. Then we parked and I opened the car door and T stepped out behind the tree and gave me an enormous hug and said Happy Birthday and I just about Cried. Apparently he had been planning this for MONTHS and everyone already knew except me. It was an awesome end to an otherwise unremarkable day... and it started one of the most amazing weekends ever. Friday was a regular work day, but after work we headed out of town because we were staying with friends for the weekend and hitting the ren-faire. We didn't have plans on Saturday until about Thursday, when I found out I was approved to go visit a rescue horse only a couple hours from my friend's house... so Sat we hopped in the car, drove a couple of hours and met the horse of my dreams. Not only is he a Curly- which doesn't trigger my really bad allergies, but he's fully trained, 11, and amazing. We probably spent 3 hours at the farm hanging out with him, other horses, and the man of the farm... leaving with a firm conviction that the horse would get to come home with me and I was in love again! :) We sent in the final "we want him" email that evening. Luckily, T is ok with me having another man in my life *grin*. Sunday we were lazy bums in the morning, hit the ren-faire in the afternoon, and headed home. It was an amazing weekend, and I was on cloud nine! T is amazing and spoils me rotten... in fact, I almost wish he would spoil me less rotten, because he does so many amazing things that they get missed sometime behind the other amazing things he does! <3

What is it....

2011-06-06T13:50:00.000-07:00

That makes a person dig in to their ex's life and try and figure out what is going on in their life? It is a bit masochistic at the least, and pointless on top of it. And yet, every couple months, I find myself trying to figure out what is going on in his life... honestly hoping that there will be some evidence of his life crashing and burning. It's a mean thing, and I'm not proud of it at all. I guess I still harbor ill feelings HA!. And yet, in the grand scheme of things, it wasn't like he was mean or cruel or a bad person. I should be happy for him that he is happy and (as far as I know) successful. I should be happy that he isn't near me and I don't have to hear the details of his life day in and day out. Why can't I let it go? I think, perhaps, I need to do something to help let it go. Perhaps a candle in the waning moon is in order afterall. It can't hurt anyway, right?

Can a person be ready to move on if they haven't let go of the anger?

Things that make ya go Hmmmm...

2011-06-06T13:42:00.001-07:00

My ex married a theatre teacher. Interesting.

The letter I would like to send to the college....

2011-05-03T19:54:00.000-07:00

I love the college I teach at. I love the people, I love the students, I love the staff and Faculty, I love the campus. But like anyone who is in a relationship, I also know that school isn't perfect and neither am I. I know I have flaws. I'm not sure the college, and the Department specifically in specific knows theirs.

My boss ask to speak to me Wednesday morning. She closed the door, and told me that the students were ready to revolt in the shop, and that it is specifically my fault. The frustrations have been many apparently. Overly critical, not supportive, not teaching the things they need to work on the projects they have, not being present in the shop enough to teach them what they need, pushing too hard, making them feel responsible for the success or failure of a production. A fear of making a mistake for fear of being yelled at. Not appreciating the work they do. A lack of patience for their learning. There are more, but they generally fall under the category of meanness. Because of these things, many of the students have expressed a desire not to return to the school next semester. I was shocked to hear these complaints. To be fair, I can see where some of them come from, and I will do my best to change those- specifically the idea that I'm not in the shop enough, and that I can sometimes be overly picky. The rest, I don't understand, and frankly, I reject. I do push students. I push them because I expect them to use the knowledge they have learned in their classes or have learned on previous projects. I expect them to learn to think about what they are doing and the choices they make. I expect them to remember how to figure out what the appropriate length screw is after they have had it explained in class and then used it in the shop repeatedly. I expect them to be invested in the production work they do, because that is what they are in school for... and the entire industry is founded on the concept "the show must go on" and that you have to do whatever you need to do to finish the show. I make absolutely no apology for chewing them out for doing unsafe things with tools that could cost them fingers or broken bones. I make no apology for telling them when they have done something wrong and showing them how to fix it.

I fully accept that I have said or done things that the students have every right to be upset about, even though I never meant them in any sort of negative way. Having said that though, I think the department as a whole is doing itself a disservice by not looking at other factors that may have contributed. When the workload is overwhelming and the stress level is through the roof, it creates an environment that is primed and ready for frustration and anger.

A department that has positions under "term" conditions (6 years max) specifically because "you don't want to be climbing a ladder when you're 60" and "this is a production heavy department, people get tired" seems to be a department that simultaneously demands people burn themselves out for the department and then blames those same people for allowing the shows to be "to big". It seems to me that this department needs to reevaluate its choices and what it finds to be important. I find it particularly interesting that when I bring up challenges in related department, I'm told "its ok, change happens" but when I bring up something in my area, I'm told "its always been that why and has worked, why is it a problem now".

There is a lot more to this situation, but at a minimum, I feel there is some serious disfunction in the department, and it doesn't seem like anyone is interested in fixing it. I say this while honestly enjoying my job and hoping the situation could be fixed.

Since I started writing this a couple days ago, some interesting things have happened. First, none of the students have said anything more than that they were having a really hard day, and/or questioning whether or not they want to stay in theatre as a future profession- none of which actually directly affects me, aside from the realization that these students have been pushed really really hard this semester, and we MUST be more aware of that and make it stop. I will not address this with my boss as I'm afraid she will continue to turn it back around on me. The second thing that has happened is a very interesting phone interview for a new position. One of the people on the search committee knows my boss and another collegue and asked my permission to speak to them. When I gave those two a heads up that they would be hearing from their friend. My bosses response? She said the thinks I'm fabulous and would hate to lose me, but if I want the job she will tell them to hire me, and if the person she is talking to has any pull, I'll get the job. I wish she could make me feel valuable the rest of the time.

**edit. Didn't get the other job, but am ok with it... at the very least, will break the 4 year job change cycle, and I LOVE the new house. Just need a roomie to help pay for it! **

Faith...

2011-04-16T19:00:00.000-07:00

How does one shop for a new perspective? A new faith? A new label? Should one pick and choose?

I find myself believing that there is a "universe" that has a purpose, and who may deign to notice me. I believe that nature is alive and tied together and is listening.

I grew up Christian, particularly Methodist. Those beliefs are comfortable, but even as open as Methodism is, it seems restrictive. I stepped away from the organized religion when I realized the hypocrisy in people... which probably isn't really fair. Any time you have a organized belief system, you have people that say they follow that faith but still do what they want.... most people don't really think much about the faith system they follow...

For a long time I've called myself spiritual. I believe in that higher power. I don't have to follow the rules of an organized religion which may tell me that people I care about or things I believe in are evil or wrong just because of their religion or their sexual orientation. I don't believe in hell. I do believe people need to be responsible for their own actions. I believe life is sacred.

I find a lot of things I believe in the pagan belief systems- but I have a hard time with the gods and the beings I don't understand. I have a hard time digesting energies and tarot and the metaphysical. But more than anything, it feel uncomfortable shopping for a religion or a system or a label.... Looking one that fits MY criteria seems wrong... isn't a path supposed to shape YOU and not you shape it? Perhaps I wold be better off with no label, but then how do you have those conversations?

And since I'm already worked up....

2011-04-15T06:02:00.000-07:00

Sex in bed is great, and safe, and soft.... but its not the only place in the house that can be fun... kitchen tables, straddling chairs, counter tops, coffee tables, sofas... showers... hallways... standing over the bed... so many possibilities, so little time....

Fantasy Challege

2011-04-15T05:58:00.000-07:00

T asked me last night to tell me about my fantasies.... and I found I couldn't do it. Partly because I rarely think them through and allow myself time to actually fantasize.... partly because I have a hard time getting the words out... As mentioned before, this has NEVER been a topic of conversation I have been comfortable with. I'm willing to work through it, but I asked him not to put me on the spot on the phone... but rather to do it in person so his comforting presence can be there with me as I stumble and trip over my words. He agreed, but challenged me to write one down based on a simple synerio... here it is...

The hallway.... and a kiss....
He's in the hallway and I pounce from behind, sliding up an wrapping my arms around him in a hug from behind, laying my head on his back for just a moment as he pauses. My hands wander just a bit, caressing chest, shoulders, neck... slowly he turns around to face me, and my hands continue... forehead, neck, arms... torso... ass.... He catches my hands and holds them, leaning in for a kiss.... and another. A step/turn and we're pressed against the wall, me against the wall, him pressing me in, hands still captured. I'm still in my robe, which is suddenly not tied shut any more.... his hands caressing, holding, stroking bare skin... I'm doing the same... hungry. wanting. burning. Take me now. Here. And he does. Pressing me against the wall. Lifting, riding, legs wrapped around him, writhing. Panting. Gasping. Fast and Hard. We both cry out... and then.... slow..... languid, pausing, closness... back on my feet... standing, leaning in, comfortable, warm. Hand in hand, down the rest of the hallway...

Today was the most amazing day...

2011-04-09T20:55:00.000-07:00

It all started at 5 am as I dragged my weary body out of bed asking myself why I was up at such a ridiculous hour.. and then I remembered. I had been looking forward to this early awakening all week.... Today was "first kayak trip of the year" day. Meeting with some fine folks at the Mineral Fork River, I had to be on the road by 5:30 to make sure I wasn't late. Gear had been packed, the only thing that remained was the loading of the boat and hitting the road... So.... a couple hours later, having had a lovely morning drive, setting shuttle up, we were on the water by about 10:30 am. The weather was PERFECT. Actually- sort of creeply perfect for April.... I mean, a girl can dream, but rarely do you see 85 degrees and sunshine the first week of April! The water wasn't as cold as I was afraid it would be either... in short... perfect paddling weather. Oh.. .and what a paddle it was. The water was clear, the company was good... and I had several amazing experiences. The overall river wasn't as scenic as it usually is because so many of the trees were bare... but somehow that made it even more amazing. Every where you looked new things were growing... little tiny leaves all over the place... some sticking straight up, some unfolding from pods, some with little "tree of life" (from avatar) thready bits everwhere. There were also redbuds everywhere... or whatever the trees with the purpleish buds are... beautiful. All the flowers of the day seemed to be blue or purple... little intense purple violets all over the place, banks of little blue flowers with a trumpety shape. They contrasted amazingly with the stark, bleached upper branches of the sycamores that overhung so much of the river.... still simple in their winter attire. The lack of overgrowth helped us to spot the single most amazing thing I have ever seen on a kayaking trip... we happened across a heron rookery. I lost count at 23, but there were probably at least 30 nests, all with huge agitated herons swooping around, occasionally perching on impossibly fragile twigs at the very toppy tips of the trees, which is where their equally fragile looking nests balanced carefully. How such large birds can manage in such places I can't imagine, but there they were... I could have watched them for hours, but they were clearly not happy about our presence, so the group slowly drifted downstream, watching the huge birds settle carefully onto the tiny twigs at the tops of the trees as soon as they were convinced we were no longer a threat. This was one of many moments today that I wanted desperately to share... pointing it out, vibrating with excitement...   And the amazing thing is, if the trees had been leafed out, we never would have been able to see it.    The day was filled with all sorts of things.... thousands of fish, three turtles, frogs swimming all the way across the river, a turkey peeking out of the brush on the side of the river when I was simply floating and it didn't know I was there. Life everywhere was vibrant and alive and it made my soul happy. There were two other moments I specifically want to remember. The first involved the moon. Drifting down the river by my self, letting the current carry me and just enjoying the world, I happened to look up over trees, over the bluffs on the side of the river, and caught a little glimps of the moon. It was very pale, easy to miss, just a sliver barely visable in the bright blue sky. It made me smile, sitting up there, watching us... and I do believe I said something along the lines "hello beautiful". Funny thing though... I continued looking around, enjoying the world.... and a few minutes later I looked back at the moon because I so enjoyed her presence up there...   and she was gone. It made me smile and feel special and blessed that she let me glimpse her.   After that, I thought, this has been an amazing day.... what else could possibly happen... well... apparently I wasn't done. Last, but not least, was a visit by a bald eagle. We spotted him in the distance, but he wasn't ready to be social, so we assumed we wouldn't see him again. He had other plans. We were looking at flowers on the bank when I happened to glance downstream to see one of the other kayakers waving and point over my head... when I looked up, I realized that the bald eagle had perched on a branch over the middle of the river, and I was in the process of floating directly underneath him....he didn't stay there long, and before the next kayaker got to that spot, we had all watched him take off and soar up river, only to give us one more flyover before leaving us behind. Most of the other people on the trip had seen their fill of bald eagles, having lived in places with populations, but that was by far the closest I have ever seen one, and the first time I've ever seen one in the wild. It was amazing.

By the time we finished the 9 mile paddle, we were all pretty tired. I was the only one who had come from Columbia, so I got changed and cleaned up, made sure no one needed help getting their gear set up and headed for home... it was a beautiful drive home.... still sunny, beautiful, and I couldn't wait until I got to a place with phone reception to be able to share my day.   Dad beat me to it... I don't talk often to my dad... not nearly as often as I would like to, and he almost never calls me... but this time he did. It was a short conversation, but he was almost as bubbly as I was, talking about how close to paying off his land he is, and how happy he is with his life now. I can't being to put into words how wonderful it feels to hear that from him. I don't always understand what make him tick, and I wouldn't make the choices he has made, but I am thrilled that he is happy and that's enough for me...   I called my sister after the chat with dad and shared his good mood... and mine. She was just walking out of the movie theatre so we didn't chat long, but it was good for her to know about how happy dad is too.

As I continued driving, I also got to watch an amazing sunset... the sky just slowely turned all those beautiful oranges and pinks as the sun drifted deeper and lower, becoming orange and red and beautiful as it sunk behind the trees and finally dissapeared from view.

There was still one more call to make though.... I had been waiting until I got home, but it was to the one person I wanted most to be able to share my day with, and who I most wanted hear my excitement. I called him almost when I walked in the door, but left a message when he didn't answer right away. His return call timing was excellent as it was just as i was standing on the porch outside watching the dogs in fading light. And what a beautiful evening it became too.... I was tempted to sleep outside...

Ah... and a wonderful conversation it was as well...starting with his distraction today by fantasies of me (he offered to share, I told him to hold on to it and show me later), conversations about the importance of touch, and how sometimes touch can BE making love (he quoted a movie about a woman dying with cancer and her frustration that she couldn't make love (meaning sex) and he answered that that is exactly what they were doing being together). We had a long conversation about touch, and a million other things. I bubbled over about the day, and how I wished he had been able to be there, and he said he was... think about the eagle. Ohhhhh.....   And think about the energy.... just by sharing that, I was sharing the day with him, and including him in it. (I still maintain, though, that it would be amazing to get out on the water with him someday, but I do digress.... but I will also show him sometime the wonders of a kayak... canoes are great and all, but a kayak's the bomb!). I don't always get the energy discussions, but I can't deny that I was positively bubbling over today, and was totally and completely soaking in every leaf rustle, every little flower, every spot of bright green moss growing so securely on a bobbing log that might sink forever at any moment. We talked about nudity at Gaia, and how I wasn't sure I could deal with that concept- either for me or being around nude people. We talked about feeling the breeze on my breasts, and I confessed I don't think I've ever been in a position to do that.... finding a place private enough to be nude in outdoors isn't something I've really experienced..... I think he has decided that needs to change. We talked about me kidnapping him and taking him to the river (somehow that became pillaging... and then ravishing.... I'm sensing a theme here...) We talked about Beltaine, how it is celebrated, and why I have found 3 different dates for it. We talked about Seda and the dogs, his dream meadery (I added water/river/pond/creek to the requirements). We talked about his dad, and the song cat in the crade/ silver spoon and the fact that he remembered it winning the grammy, and his emotions at that time about it. We talked about the Kama Sutra, and I suggested he NOT send me the copy he has under his bed.... its better in person. :). We talked about so many more things that I can't get them all on here, and everytime I try I remember more...it was a long and very wandering conversation. It seems like every time we talk, we both say things that neither of us has shared before...

And then I confessed that I didn't think I had been entirely truthful with myself when I told him that we could be friends, we could be something undefined, or we could be something more... because, really, it isn't entirely true. I want to be something more, and I needed him to tell me if that isn't what he wants. I needed him to tell me if I had to rein in my heart and mine, or if I could let it continue to spin and bubble and soar with the thrill of discovery and passion and hopes and dreams. He said that he was trying not get ahead of himself/ourselves (and had been trying to hold things back because of the distance between us) , but his fondest wish would be that we could be.... best friends in the most complete ways (I'm finding the wrong words, but essentially, if you start with best friends, and let everything else grow from there, you have the foundation you need forever). I love his way with words. He quoted Shakespeare at me too, but that's a different discussion. We talked about the way that distance is probably a good thing right now... it forces us to take time, and we both could get a little crazy right now if we didn't have that space and time. He talked about a friend of his who said "never FALL in love... falling is a surprise, an unexpected"... discover, embrace, run into love.... those are the loves that last. Did we label it? no. Did we define it? no. Do we both think that there is something really special here, and we're trying to let it grow and mature and blossom without caging it? Yes. And, knowing that he thinks the same way, I'm ok with that. In fact, I'm ecstatic. Today has been the most amazing day. Now I'm going to go put aloe on my sunburn, and wait for his call to wish me good night. ( which he did.... he's remarkbably good at saying all the right things, and when he whispered that he was there, blowing on my neck, then sholders.... I had to cut him off... a girl can only take so much. :] )

It was a busy week...

2011-04-03T13:57:00.000-07:00

Before I went home to visit, I went to DC to visit a good friend of mine. She's alternative been big sister, aunt, spiritual advisor, counselor, BFF. I've sometimes gone years without talking to her, but then we get back together, we pick back up- not where we left off- but where we are at that moment...no excuses, no worries, no stress. For better or worse, I tend to talk to her most often when I need guidance. Which was part of the reason this time for the trip. Remember the blog about religion? Its continued to weigh on my mind. I realized after Ostara that I really had turned over a new leaf. Nothing really had changed, but for some reason it wasn't wearing on me any more. What does that mean? What am I? What are my beliefs now? I... find myself reluctant to talk about Ostara for some reason. It was a turning point, but even to the two people I'm closest to and have talked about this with, I find myself not willing to share it. The nutshell is that I asked the universe for peace, happiness, and balance. It wasn't elaborate, I didn't really expect anything to happen that I noticed... it was quiet and earthy and private. I guess it needs to stay that way. But something changed...

So.... what changed? I don't know. The BFF has been pagan for a long time... more properly, she is a spiritualist with pagan tendancies, but she is also a Reiki master, and one of the wisest and most balanced people I know. Plus, I know I can say absolutely anything to her, and she won't laugh and she won't criticize... and sometimes (this visit included), she may send me away with specific things to focus on or think about. Yep, I have homework... but that's another topic. We talked about the fact that I have trouble with the concept of paganism. To begin with, I have problems with the words. "Witch", "Coven", "Magic".... these all have connotations to the general population that feel uncomfortable to me. They're really symbols, like anything else, but its hard to get past 35 years of one way of looking at those symbols and seeing them another way. The BFF suggested that instead of "magic" or "ritual", that I think of it really more as prayer... because in the grand scheme of things, its the same thing. She also uses "universe" instead of a specific deity... which also feels more right to me. I talked about the fact that I felt selfish asking the universe for something.... and then she asked me why. I realized its because I don't really think of myself as something the universe would notice... I'm just one person, of no particular significance in the whole world of billions of people. Why would the universe notice me? To be honest, I don't remember the words she used... but somehow I have a different perspective now. We talked about energy. This one I really struggle with. Both she and T talk about energy in ways that make me think that once I accept that its there, and all around us, that I should at least be able to tell that its there.... maybe I'm not aware enough, but I don't feel it, don't sense it... perhaps I'm not ready to. Perhaps its just not something I'm supposed to sense... but I do feel like there is something I'm missing... but I can't quite put my finger on what. It does help that T mentioned that sometimes things happen to him that take him by surprise.... of course, he somehow know when BFF and I had the most intense of these conversations... from a 1000 miles away. I'm still not sure what I'm doing, or what path I'm walking, but I have homework from BFF, self education to do, and love and support from two very very special people.... And I'm working on acceptance... I think that needs to come before understanding. I don't quite know why, but acceptance needs to come before understanding. I just have this feeling that once acceptance is there, the understanding will come. So mote it be. (don't know why I just wrote that, but it insisted on it.). right. Acceptance.

Getting Personal...

2011-04-03T13:23:00.000-07:00

Took advantage of spring break this past weekend and went back home... partially to visit/surprise Mom and sister, but mostly to spend time with a friend. Specifically, a guy friend. More specifically... well... not exactly sure at the moment, but not feeling inclined to push it into being defined. I like him a lot, find myself drawn towards him a lot... trying to keep it real- there are some serious things in the way... namely that we both come with some substantial baggage, and neither of us is terribly flexible job wise, although we're both more or less job hunting. Even so, we've been talking a lot the last couple weeks... and I do feel a strong connection with him. Oh yeah, and I slept with him.... yep, slept. And... didn't sleep. At one point in my life, I would have been scandalized and really confused now. I have realized that my perspectives have changed. Somewhat. I no longer am scandalized by what two consenting adults choose to share. So... I have loosened my perspective, but I haven't yet figured out what my boundaries are... although I do hold rather firmly to the idea that if you are in a committed relationship, that means (for me at least) that you're not intimate with someone else. Open relationships do NOT do it for me. In addition, while being intimate (sex or otherwise) may not mean anything relationship wise, it does change how I look at a person. It is a closeness, trust, and sharing that can't (or shouldn't) be denied.... and it does change how I perceive a person.

Which brings me to my topic of today's post. Sex. Yep. Sex. So... now, looking at the screen, realizing I'm actually going to write about sex makes it even more intimidating. I like sex. Wow, can't just believe I said that out loud. Did any one hear me? Shhh.... we don't talk about sex. Its private. Which is why, I imagine, I have some major hangups talking about it. Which, in turn, is why I have problems talking about it with a partner.    T asked me some very specific question about what I like, and what I had experienced, and if I wanted to be on top at any point, and it was incredibly difficult for me to answer them. Don't get me wrong... I typically HAVE an answer, I just have a really hard time sharing it. Its hard for me to say things outloud. I worry about whether or not it is a "right" answer. I feel self conscious. (Disclaimer... he was amazing about coaxing me out of my comfort zone... which I've never had anyone do before....it was.... Good.)

So.... item #1. The self consiousness. I've always preferred to be in the background. Many of my hobbies I have taken up both because I truly enjoy them, and because they will allow me to be very focused on what I'm doing, and because they are interesting enough to draw people into me... I'm much MUCH less shy than I used to be, but my fallback is still a bit shy and definitely modest, and I have a hard time being the focus of someone's attention. Whether or not I believe people find me attractive (and on good days I believe them), I still have a hard time being looked at nude or during intimacy... Its not logical, and when I'm in certain moods it isn't an issue, but most of the time I'm pretty self conscious. Sometimes I try to break out of it, but its hard for me to do. This weekend, T was very encouraging and supportive... which helps a lot. Trust is a powerful thing, and I trust him a lot.... but that doesn't make the issue immediately go away.

Item #2...   Confidence. So.... I guess or I've been told that I come across as a confident with it person most of the time.... and most of the time I would say that is true, although I do sometimes have to put on the "confident" face. The people who see the uncertain me are the ones I trust and the ones I know will understand it and honor it. I am not confident about my sexuality. I've had some very passionate, creative sex. It was fun. It was easy when I let my partner lead. Then I know what to do. I've had some assertive partners, which works really well for me. But it really isn't fair, and I always end up feeling like I should do more. And, in reality, I'm sure the guys would end up enjoying it more too. And they usually ask me to take charge at some point. And I hesitate. Being on top is a perfect example of that. Because of the self consciousness, I've always been a little nervous to be in that position. Its very exposed, and very visual for him... but the last time I tried it, I froze. I wasn't comfortable, I wasn't sure what to do, and I wasn't sure what would feel good to him. And I let the nervousness and insecurity get to me. And rather than dealing with it then, he rolled me over and we did something else. But... it isn't the something else I remember, its the failure. T helped with that this weekend, but its still a hard thing for me to do.

Item #3. Re-Discovery. Sex with my ex basically stopped before we got married. For a whole variety of reasons. He was an ok lover, but it was exactly the same every time, and it just stopped after a little while. For that same variety of reasons, we stopped cuddling and pretty much every other expression of intimacy. That's not to say that I didn't want to be intimate... but it didn't happen. So I kind of shut it off. Or did it myself, often with him asleep right next to me. I'm ashamed of that part... guilty. Why didn't I wake him up? Too many reasons to explain. Anyway, I also just sort of shut it down.... Doing myself scratched the itch but didn't satisfy me... never will... it isn't enough for me. And I didn't think of myself as a sexual creature. Longed for it, but wasn't willing or able to connect with him. Then we got divorced, and I had a short stupid ridiculous wildly passionate affair with a married man. Not one of my wisest choices, but as I mentioned in earlier post, I needed something, and he needed something, and we helped each other. I'm not going to get into the complicated emotions tied to that, but it did wake me up. And while I didn't orgasm with him, I was so turned on it didn't matter. And I craved that. I needed more. I was desperate for that passion and that connectedness. Not surprisingly, the affair didn't last long, and I found myself craving that passion, that connectedness, that energy. Awake, but alone.

Item #4... Rediscovery #2. This one is hard. And specific. My first partner was passionate and enthusiastic... and perhaps didn't truly understand how sheltered I had been. I wasn't ready for some of the things he asked me to do... like oral sex on him... and much like the girl on top I mentioned earlier, it only takes one experience not going well to make it really really hard to ever be willing to try it again. A huge part of it at the time was the smell and the texture. Is that weird? I've always though so, but smell and texture are huge influences on me, and I wasn't ready for either the smell/texture of oral sex, or the porn image he showed me (which I have never been able to let go of). For the record, the smell doesn't bother me any more, but I've never been comfortable trying oral sex with anyone else because... well... I guess that goes back to the confidence thing again. My ex was pretty vanilla in bed, not terrible, but not exciting either... or perhaps that's just what we became. When I rediscovered sex, I also rediscovered there were some things I liked, or rather that really really turned me on that logically make me nervous. The idea of being restrained and/or submissive can be a huge turn on for me. Not always... but often. Someone at a party pulled my hair once in just the right way (and knew exactly what he was doing) and it just about collapsed me in a puddle on the floor. The idea of those things turning me on is weird (yes, I know its pretty common... logic isn't always logical), but wow.   I remember before I was ready for sex (ok, really, it was sex, just not actually intercourse....) spending a LOT of time making out with someone who tied my hands and tormented with me with both a feather and hot wax until I was ready to absolutely explode. Just thinking about those things makes my nether regions quiver... but I've never had that experience since... I think that I like sex enough that I tend to not be willing to wait.... but I remember those sensations. Wow. And yet... The conservative, modest, naive girl in me quails at enjoying sex, and enjoying forceful, creative, enthusiastic sex. Most of the time I tell that girl that she's being ridiculous, but she still sometimes does hold me back from being able to easily have the conversations I should have with my partners.... as does the lack of a partner who I know well enough and trust enough to be vulnerable with. My ex, interestingly, was not in that category.

So.... as usual, no answers in my rambling. But often, the ramblings help me understand myself better...and maybe, someday, I will have the answers...

Questioning the world...

2011-03-20T08:44:00.000-07:00

Much of my stress the last couple of weeks has been relieved by the arrival of spring and the attendance of a work conference... simply seeing thing start to turn green makes a huge difference for me, and talking to a lot of like minded people with similar issues makes me feel less alone. Job possibilities arising from those conversations help too- although neither is quite where I would like to be.

Speaking of spring, today is the first day of spring- the vernal equinox, and Oestra and the full moon (ok, techically the full moon was Friday night, but close enough). Why does this matter enough to write about? Because a year ago I wouldn't have even noticed. This year, I not only know it is happening, but am celebrating it by dying eggs, cleaning, and if the weather allows, going outside, planting something, and thanking the universe. Wait- thanking the universe? Where did THAT come from? Long story short, I have several pagan friends, but I've never much thought about their beliefs... started talking to more than I had been to a friend who is not only pagan, he is specifically Asatru... now, that particular belief subset doesn't feel right to me, but several long conversations with him inspired me to do a little research. Honestly, what inspired me to do the research was the realization that on some level, I never took Paganism seriously... probably because the people I know who practice it seriously are fairly private about their practice, and those who are public tend to be... well... flakey. Talking to Asatru guy made me realize I had a negative bias towards the pagan religion(s)... if you can even truly categorize it as a religion (I don't mean that negatively, I'm just not sure that's the right word for those belief sets...).

Anyway, after doing some research, I still have a hard time taking "magic", "coven" and "witch" seriously, but I have a better understanding of the basic range of beliefs encompassed by "pagan" and find myself drawn to some of them. Some don't fit right at all... but some just have the right feel to them. The idea of thanking the universe, for example... and honoring and celebrating the arrival of spring and the rebirth of the world. The christian faiths don't honor the world we live in, and I've often found that a little lacking with out quite realizing what the problem was. I long ago started question whether or not I can call myself "christian", realizing that I'm much more of a spiritualist with christian leanings... I think I can add pagan leanings to it, although that is still such a new concept that I'm struggling with it. This will be an interesting adventure.

Continued musing on job options...

2011-02-11T21:14:00.000-08:00

I applied for a drafting job in PA yesterday. Its so different from what I currently do that I'm not sure I would take it if they offered it to me, but as the last couple posts have made clear, a change must happen.

I find myself reminded over and over again how much I enjoy doing, but how I struggle to blend doing with supervising.... with that realization comes the idea that perhaps looking at scene shop positions that aren't supervisory might be good for me... particularly if they are in a big enough shop that I can really improve my craftsmanship...

The upside to this idea is that it opens my options up... not a huge amount, but some... and there are enough larger cities that might be hiring that are just outside of my ideal range that I may still be able to stay in the midwest.... on the other hand, its much more physical work and I don't have any idea how well it pays. Things to ponder....

PS.... Never heard from the, so the PA job appears to be a moot point!

Not so much Sawdust lately.....

2011-02-09T20:34:00.000-08:00

How do you know when you're reacting to temporary stress as opposed to the need for a serious change in your life?

I have so many things pressing on my mind right now, but how much of that is temporary? I'm feeling a general discontent with where I am in life.... feeling unsatisfied professionally and personally.

I'm no longer sure that I'm in the right industry... I have zero desire to freelance, I'm tired of moving for jobs, I'm getting tired of doing the exact thing semester after semester. There are tons of jobs but none appeal to me. I am tired of building projects that look basically the same because there aren't the resources.... there is basic maintaince things that will never bean addressed because there is never the money. I am not artistic enough to be good in different areas. And I'm tired..... this isn't quite what I mean, but I'm tired of being in charge. I would dearly love to have a little more structure to my job.... working independently as part of a collaborative process is all well and good, but I'm tired of it. But how does one change careers without that terrifying leap of faith... I'm also tired of constantly wondering if my job will be cut or I will be required to move on at some point.... years of job uncertainty wears on one. On the other hand, this is my fourth year at my current position, which has always been a year of transition for me. I was asked to leave both my previous jobs in this year, and while that does not seem to be in the cards this year, I wonder if it is making me feel edgier than I should be.

I'm also on the edge of believing that as much as I love Columbia, I will never find a partner here... and the grief I have been dealing with would be muh more tolerable if I had someone by my side to share it with.....

4 Year Itch...

2011-01-27T11:54:00.000-08:00

The last two jobs I had both lasted 4 years, and both ended up with me leaving not of my own choice. I'm now at 3 3/4 years at my current job, and while no one is asking me to go, I'm seeing signs that I may not be here more than another year.

I love what I do, but I find myself wondering if it is the right job for me. I enjoy the teaching side, and I really enjoy the planning side... but I find myself procrastinating on going into the shop, and now there have been complaints from the students.... and I can't entirely say they aren't valid. I DO spend a lot of time at my desk. Too much time. And while I can honestly say that I think most of it is necessary, at least a small part of it is laziness and and uncomfortableness being able to build and supervise at the same time.

Is it time for a job change? Maybe... maybe not. Maybe I just needed a kick in the butt to get motivated. I'm tired of moving and I really like Columbia. And Calontir. I really really want "home". And the reality is that I don't think that even in the best possible world my current job will be protected from politics and budget cuts.... and that's worrying me. A lot.

2011-01-25T10:54:00.000-08:00

I don't always love winter, but it provides me with some truly amazing pictures... I love what nature does to the world... often it doesn't show up well in photographs, but some I took today turned out really well...

I hate cancer.

2011-01-20T20:54:00.000-08:00

A beloved aunt has been fighting cancer from 5or 6 years. It was a bad spell to begin with, and then subsided, taking a big chunk of her jaw bone and her saliva glands with it. A couple years later, it turned up again in her lungs... but this time mostly just sat there and didn't do anything. About 8 months ago, though, a tumor was discovered behind her eyes, causing vision loss and headaches. Surgery removed most of it, but also discovered another tumor and cost her permanently the loss of vision in one eye. Since the surgery, she has been seriously ill and coping with another tumor in the brain... this time less treatable. The new news today is that the new tumor is growing- causing her to lose most of the rest of her vision and expanding toward the brain stem towards "critical areas". I have no doubt that she will not win this battle, and as sick as she is and has been, I wonder if she doesn't hope it will happen sooner rather than later. Is it wrong for me to hope her suffering ends soon? It doesn't help that her daughter is estranged from the family... and we're all devastated that she won't at least make contact with her mother before her mother's life ends. Its a wretched wretched thing, cancer is, and I hope that a cure can be found so it can stop destroying people. How many times can I cry over this?

Lonely Days, but the good ones will come again....

2011-01-13T21:11:00.000-08:00

This is one of those days. Work was good, but I'm already tired of drafting. I love what I do, but I'm worried about the upcoming semester, and I'm afraid I'm wasting the college's money going to a workshop that is in Feb.... I'm afraid I'm in over my head. I know I can do my regular job, I'm less sure I can help the college make smart decisions- and I really wish I was getting paid better for it!

I came home tonight with a major project to finish hanging over my head, and just got it done. Instead of a feeling of accomplishment though (even though it was admittedly a rush job and I will be making alterations later), I feel let down. Really, I feel lonely, and in a bit of a rut. I shall have to give some thought on how to shake it up a little bit... perhaps some slightly after new years resolutions are in order!

2011-01-11T18:26:00.000-08:00

Perhaps this is an exercise in silliness, but welcome to the random postings covering anything I feel like, when ever I feel like writing it. At the moment, the urge to write is based on conflicted feelings about several people I've been close to in various ways. Three men, all friends, all complicated. I hope that writing down these thoughts will allow me to sort of my feelings for each of them.... or at least allow me to read back over them later and realize I'm being an idiot! I'm dabbling with a class of men I'm not accustom to, and its making it hard for me to be sure of myself. All three of these men fall into a much more masculine category than I used to pursue, they're all attractive, and they are all responsible professionally in one way or the other.

Guy 1. Current situation.... we hit it off, but long term he's so not right for me. Slightly shorter than me, but well built and reasonable attractive, he is at a successful point in life BUT has a terrible reputation as far as relationships go. He says the rumors are over blown, but some close friends say otherwise. Basically, they accuse him of stealing another man's wife, and being overly casual about who he has slept with.... and couldn't give me a straight answer when I asked him how many exes he has.... not to mention how many women he has slept with. I'm fairly convinced the truth about his reputation falls somewhere in the middle, and having done some things I'm not proud of with a married man, there's a certain understanding I might not have had a year ago. The long term chemistry isn't there, and that isn't a place I've often been in before now, and I'm not sure I'm comfortable keeping it here for long.

Guy #2. Super nice guy. BIG guy. Tall, not obese, but a little bit of a gut which is a turn off since its so like my dad... and my ex. Physically he isn't what I think of as my type, but still attractive, and I find myself drawn to him. He doesn't live close by, and he and are are good friends. We talked about dating a couple years ago but it was too close to the end of my marriage, and his attention made me feel like running away- gun shy. Time has change, and now I'm not sure what I think. He's got a million hobbies, which makes me wonder if he has time for a relationship. He's also got a great horse, which I am violently allergic to... and gave me a respiratory infection the one time I brushed her. I'm ridiculously nervous about the horse issue. He's way into guns and hunting, which interest me not at all, and he can talk about at naseum.... Karate... ditto. He's borderline SCA which appeals, but its a much bigger part of my life than it is his. I'm also worried about how I feel about his religion... he's pagan- asatru, and I find myself realizing I have a huge christian bias I didn't realize. I have a hard time taking Asatru seriously as a religion, even though I know its as real as any other. I like him.... I just don't know how and he lives far enough away that I'm not sure I'll have a chance to find out.

Guy #3. Affectionately referred to as Trouble. And I mean that capital T very very seriously. Married, I met him while I was ending mine. We had a very discrete affair, which I still have mixed feelings about. I was broken at that point, grieving and feeling very unattractive and unwanted despite the fact that I was the one that ended my marriage. We agreed that it was the wrong thing to do- despite passion and amazing sex.... and it was.... but we did it anyway, for a little while. Broke it off, and then regressed just long enough for me to think perhaps..... I thought this was new territory for both of us- found out after the fact that it isn't actually the case... after I found him sleeping with someone at a camping event. Guess I wasn't as special as I thought I was. Tore me up when I realized I was just the catch of the day, but I still think he had actual feelings for me. I haven't seen him much lately, but found out he is fighting in a major tournament for a non-date related consort... which of course makes me wish it was me. He's been tied to a psycho chick lately, but the rumor mill is unsure about whether they're still seeing each other. I'ld be lying if I said I wasn't still crazy about him... but he is broken in so many ways relationship wise, even if he wasn't still married- I would be crazy to think there is any chance of a relationship with him.... but he's hard to let go of, and sexy as hell.

So... what now. Perhaps I'm just responding to the fact my ex is already remarried and has a kid. Perhaps its hormonal.... damn I'm horny sometimes. Perhaps I'm too needy and need to able to find peace at being by myself. Whatever the reason, I'm lonely, sexually deprived, and wishing I could find someone to spend one on one time with..... and not having much luck satisfying my itch. *sigh*